The Bell Jar (as told by the Daily Mail)

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Effortlessly stylish Esther Greenwood, 19, a very grown-up looking college student from notoriously liberal Massachusetts, travels to gay-friendly New York to work on a glitzy fashion magazine for a month as a guest editor so that she doesn’t have to sponge off the state like most other young people. She works for Jay Cee, a sympathetic but demanding woman who could learn a thing or two from Paul Dacre by dropping the ‘sympathetic’ bit. Esther and eleven other college fasionistas live in a swanky women’s hotel. Their generous corporate sponsors wine and dine them and shower them with presents that they can afford thanks to low corporation taxes that Labour would hike up. Esther knows in her little lady-brain she should be having the time of her life, flaunting her curves and heading out with her gal pals, but she feels a bit mopey. She whines about commonsense execution of the dangerous commie Rosenbergs because she mistakenly thinks Marxists are humans and not vermin who hate their country. Also, she can embrace neither the rebellious and subversive tomboy attitude of her friend Doreen nor the decent conformism of her friend Betsy. Esther and the other girls suffer food poisoning after eating French food at a fancy banquet, in a shocking incident that shows government red-tape can’t keep our young people safe. Esther attempts to lose her virginity with a UN interpreter after getting the idea from the sidebar of shame, but he seems uninterested because he’s probably a gay-rights zealot. She rightly questions her womanly abilities and worries about what she will do after college besides raising decent hardworking children in a traditional heterosexual marriage. On her last night in the city, she goes on a disastrous blind date with a European named Marco, who tries to have consensual sex with her while she is sleeping.

Esther wonders if she should do the right thing by marrying and living a conventional domestic life, or spit in the face of Queen and country by attempting to satisfy her radical ambition. Buddy Willard, her college boyfriend, is recovering from tuberculosis in a dirty and understaffed NHS ward, and wants to marry Esther when he regains his health so that they can live happily ever after and get the married couples tax allowance. To any right-minded observer, Buddy is the ideal beau: he has traditional masculine features; has a commonsense approach to modern life; he is pursuing a high-flying career; and above all he is a white, middle-class, heterosexual, Christian male who loves his country. But he does not understand Esther’s poncy desire to waste her time writing poetry, and when he shockingly confesses that he had a steamy one-night stand with a waitress while dating Esther, Esther mistakenly thinks him a hypocrite like those lefties at the Guardian and decides she cannot marry him despite the lure of the marriage tax break. She sets out to assert her insubordinate feminist agenda by irresponsibly excluding our photographers from her pursuit of a man.

Esther returns to the family-friendly Boston suburbs and discovers not only that house prices have gone up 20% since she left, but also that she has not been accepted to a pointless writing class she had planned to take while living in denial of her proper place as a mother and wife. She spends spend the summer at home instead like other layabout sponging students. She makes vague plans to write a novel about beautiful princesses, learn shorthand so she can be someone’s secretary, and start her ludicrous thesis. Soon she starts having a Lohan-Spears-Winehouse-esque breakdown, heroically captured by the paps and splashed on pages 4-17. She is thankfully unable to read her raving feminist tracts, write her useless thesis, or sleep the eight hours a night she would need to prevent cancer, and she stops bathing which leads to her looking like a complete tramp. Her mother takes her to Dr. Gordon, a private psychiatrist who treats Esther with better care than she could ever get on the NHS and prescribes the commonsense solution of electric shock therapy. Esther becomes demented after this shocking(!) treatment, and decides to kill herself like those dangerous Muslims sometimes do with bombs. As she is most ashamed of her flabby arms she tries to slit her wrists but can only bring herself to slash her calf, ruining her leggy figure. She tries to hang herself, but cannot find a place to tie the rope in her low ceilinged house. At the beach, showing off her summer bikini body with friends, she attempts to drown herself, but she keeps floating to the surface of the water. Finally, she hides in a basement crawl space in her mother’s £500,000 home and takes a large quantity of sleeping pills recklessly prescribed by a foreign GP earning £200,000-per year.

Esther awakens to find herself in a stylish private hospital. She has unbelievably survived her suicide attempt with no permanent physical injuries. Once her body heals and she looks good enough to strut her stuff in the hottest bars in town, she is sent to the loony-bin in the city hospital, where she is frumpy, hysterical, and stroppy. Eventually, Philomena Guinea, a notorious ‘novelist’ who puts our youth in danger with her unchristian fables and who sponsors Esther’s college scholarship, pays to move her to a much better and cleaner private hospital. In this more decent and commonsense environment, Esther comes to trust her new psychiatrist, a woman doctor named Dr. Nolan (a woman). She slowly begins to improve with a combination of whingey-whiney talk therapy and good old-fashioned electric shock therapy. She becomes friends with Joan, a woman from her hometown and college who has had experiences similar to Esther’s. She is rightfully repulsed, however, when Joan makes a shocking perverted sexual advance toward her.

As Esther improves, the jobsworth hospital administrators grant her permission to leave the hospital from time to time. During one of these exciting trips out on the town, she FINALLY loses her virginity with a suspiciously intelligent maths professor named Irwin. She begins bleeding profusely and has to go to an A&E where she is forced to wait for six hours because the queue is being held up by Romanians and asylum seekers. One morning, Joan, who seemed to be improving, hangs herself while wearing a chic black skirt that shows off her amazing thighs. Buddy heroically comes to visit Esther, but she destroys his manliness by slapping him down and forcing him to say that the decision to end their relationship was ‘mutual’. Esther will leave the insane asylum in time to start winter semester at her elitist college. She believes that she has regained as much of a grasp on sanity as the average Daily Mail journalist, but knows that the bell jar of her madness could descend again at any time like the dead hand of the EU on Great Britain.

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Les Misérables (as told by the Daily Mail)

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Brazen thief Jean Valjean is released from a French prison after serving just nineteen years for stealing a loaf of bread from a hardworking baker and for subsequent bungled attempts to escape from prison. When the decency-hating traveller arrives at the town of Digne, no-one is willing to give him shelter because no-one has any space because of the bedroom tax.

Desperate, the feral Valjean shadily skulks up to the unsuspecting M. Myriel, the kindly God-fearing bishop of Digne. Myriel treats Valjean with the sort of compassion so obviously lacking in today’s NHS, and the thieving Frenchie repays the bishop by stealing his beloved silverware. When a couple of brave common-sense coppers arrest the shabbily-dressed tramp, Myriel starts a shameful cover-up, lying that the silverware was a gift. The duped bobbies release the dishonourable, double-dealing Valjean and Myriel makes him promise to stop being a cheat, spiv, and small-time crook.

Eager to fulfill his promise, Valjean hides his real identity and enters the town of Montreuil-sur-mer. Under the name of Madeleine, as a tribute to the tragic McCann family, Valjean invents an ingenious economic system of spending cuts and welfare sanctions that brings the town prosperity. He eventually becomes the town’s mayor after a bruising battle with the old leftie Ken Le Rouge.

Fantine, a leggy young woman from Montreuil, lives in the glitzy centre of Paris. She falls helplessly in love with Tholomyès, a wealthy student. She flirtatiously gets pregnant just to get a council flat, and then Tholmyès abandons her to pursue his high-flying career. Fantine consults Femail for the latest gossip on celebrity bumps and pregnancy diets, then returns to her home village with her daughter, Cosette.

On the way to Montreuil, on a train taken out of oppressive state hands and given to its rightful owners in the private sector, Fantine realizes that despite an abundance of jobs she will never be able to find work if the backwards countryfolk know that she has a child but isn’t getting the tax break that makes marriage pay. In the town of Montfermeil, she meets the Thénardiers, a hardworking family that runs the good old traditional village pub. The Thénardiers agree to take Cosette into their traditional heterosexual family as long as Fantine sends them a monthly allowance out of the benefits she’s fraudulently claiming.

In Montreuil, Fantine gets on her bike and finds work in a factory owned by Madeleine, and one of the few that hasn’t been crippled by swivel-eyed union bosses who are squarely to blame for the decline of the formerly great manufacturing sector. Fantine’s coworkers discover the scandalous truth about Cosette, however, and Fantine is fired.

The squeezed Thénardiers plead for more money to meet Cosette’s spiralling childcare costs, and Fantine resorts to flaunting her curves in Montreuil’s hottest nightspots to make ends meet. One night, Javert, Montreuil’s elected Police Commissioner, arrests Fantine, as he should because coppers are meant to be ratcatchers and not social workers. She is to be jailed bang to rights, but wishy-washy liberal bleeding heart Madeleine intervenes.

Fantine falls ill, possibly due to an impending flu pandemic brought over from Romania that the NHS isn’t prepared for because doctors are tied down by red tape, and she longs to reconnect with her estranged daughter. Softy Madeleine promises to send for Cossette. First, however, he must contend with Javert, who has discovered Madeleine’s shocking criminal past. Javert stealthily lets slip to Madeleine in a completely legal dismissal of EU confidentiality nonsense that a man has been accused of being Jean Valjean, and Madeleine confesses his true identity. Javert orchestrates a daring raid to arrest Valjean while Valjean is at Fantine’s filthy neglected-by-NHS-jobsworths bedside, and Fantine dies from the shock amid unconfirmed reports of shockingly inadequate NHS care covered by by the BBC.

After a few years, Valjean audaciously escapes from his comfy 5-star-hotel prison and heads to Montfermeil, where he is able to buy Cosette from the Thénardiers. The Thénardiers turn out to be a family of scoundrels who abuse Cosette while spoiling their own two daughters, Eponine and Azelma, despite being known to incompetent council social workers and lazy civil servants. Valjean and Cosette move to an ‘urban’ part of Paris. Javert discovers their hideout, however, and they are forced to flee so that Valjean is not strung up as he absolutely should be. They find refuge in a convent, where Cosette attends school and Valjean works as a gardener, hidden from the law by do-goody liberals.

Marius Pontmercy is a trendy young heartthrob who lives with his wealth-creator grandfather, M. Gillenormand. Because his father, Georges Pontmercy, is a lefty loon who hates his country Marius has been kept away from his evil influence. After his father dies Marius learns more about him and starts being brainwashed by his father’s monstrous ideology. Angry with his grandfather, Marius moves out and lives as a poor law student, sponging off hardworking taxpayers and only paying 9,000 Francs per year for his tuition.

While in law school, Marius associates with a group of dangerous radicals, the ‘Friends of the ABC’, who are led by the detestable ideologue Enjolras. One day, Marius sees Cosette while she is showing off her summer figure at a public park. It is love at first sight as the two fall head-over-heels for each other in an exact replay of when Kanye met Kim, but the despot Valjean imposes harsh rules to prevent Cosette and Marius from ever meeting.

Their paths cross once again, however, like in the latest episode of TOWIE, when Valjean makes a suspiciously charitable visit to Marius’s hardworking neighbours, the Jondrettes. The Jondrettes are in fact the Thénardiers, who have lost their inn thanks to the death of the traditional high street and oppressive taxes and moved to Paris under an assumed name. After Valjean leaves, Thénardier announces a cunning plan to rob Valjean taking inspiration from Baldrick, a hero of our past who should never be forgotten despite what the lefty BBC fatcats would have you believe. Alarmed, Marius alerts the local hardworking copper, who turns out ion a stunning turn of events to be Javert. The ambush is foiled in another daring police raid and the Thénardiers are humiliatingly arrested and paraded for the paps. Valjean escapes before Javert can identify him.

Thénardier’s devoted daughter Eponine, who is tragically in love with the undeserving radical Marius, helps him discover Cosette’s hidden Paris pad. Marius is finally able to read poetry Cosette, as endorsed by Education Secretary Michael Gove, and the two declare their love for each other. Valjean, however, soon heartlessly shatters their happiness like Angelina split Brad and Jen. Worried that he will lose Cosette and worried by unpatriotic Marxist agitators in the city, Valjean announces that he and Cosette are moving to the greatest nation on earth, the sceptred isle, the land of free men unconstrained by dictates of the union-Guardian-Leveson intelligensia: England.

In desperation, Marius crawls back to his right-thinking grandfather, to ask for his permission to finally benefit from a marriage with Cosette thanks to the married couples tax allowance. Their meeting ends in a flaming dispute, all captured by passing photographers and splashed on pages 4-17. When Marius returns to Cosette, she and Valjean have disappeared like Lord Lucan or Madeleine McCann. Heartbroken, Marius decides to join his dangerous radical student comrades, who have formed an ungodly mob and started an uprising against decent, hardworking, traditional people.

The uprising seems doomed as the mob is infected with evil and they are fighting people with God on their side, but Marius and his unwashed sponger student mob foolishly stand their ground and vow to fight for a frightening totalitarian vision of equality. The lazy students discover Javert has cunningly infiltrated their ranks in a bid to stand up for traditional values, and, realizing that he is the only decent person there Enjolras ties him up. As the courageous army who have been let down by successive Labour governments launches its first attack against the students, Eponine throws herself in front of a rifle in a desperate bid to save Marius’ pathetic little life. As Eponine dies in Marius’ arms, she shows him a ‘sext’ from Cosette. Marius quickly scribbles a reply and orders a filthy urchin, Gavroche, to deliver it to Cosette.

Valjean intercepts the note and in an upstanding twist sets out to save the life of the man his daughter loves as much as Simon Cowell loves whoever’s in the paper this week. Valjean arrives at the radicals’ barricade and volunteers to execute Javert as a fitting example of justice by capital punsihment. When alone with Javert, however, Valjean secretly lets him go free. As our brave soldiers storm the barricade with the spirit that reclaimed the Falklands in Maggie’s finest hour, Valjean grabs the wounded Marius and flees through the sewers, which are still cleaner than most NHS wards. When Valjean emerges hours later, Javert arrests him in a daring on-man operation. Valjean pleads with Javert to let him take the dying but still fantastic-looking Marius to Marius’s grandfather. Javert gives in.

Javert feels tormented, torn between his noble duty to protect the public and the debt he owes that dangerous criminal Valjean for his life. Ultimately, Javert lets Valjean go and throws himself into the river, which is incidentally not as nice as the Thames which has never looked better thanks to Boris, where he drowns.

Marius makes a full recovery and after he recovers from the Marxist brainwashing he is reconciled with his grandfather, who consents to filling out the HMRC forms so that their marriage can pay off. Their wedding is a happy one, radiating a warm glow of family values and decency, marred scandalously when Valjean confesses his criminal nature in a serialised biography in the Mail on Sunday. Rightly alarmed by this stunning exclusive and unaware that it was Valjean who ‘saved his life’ at the barricades, Marius, in a display of prudent common-sense, tries to prevent Cosette from having contact with Valjean.

Lonely and ‘depressed’, as it says on his Disability Living Allowance form, Valjean becomes a recluse and a hoarder and awaits his death or a TV deal with Channel 5. Marius eventually finds out from Thénardier that Valjean saved Marius’ life. Wrongly ashamed that he mistrusted Valjean, Marius tells Cosette everything that has happened, even though she is unable to process all of the information due to her tiny lady-brain. Marius and Cosette rush to Valjean’s side just in time for a final reconciliation and a quick change of the will. Happy to be reunited with his adopted daughter, Valjean dies in peace, proving that the criminal justice system let this dangerous offender slip through the net and pose a real risk to decent, hardworking people everywhere.