Harry Potter (as told by the Daily Mail)

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

Harry, a bookish loner, is raised in middle-class comfort in affluent Surrey thanks to the goodwill of his decent, ordinary Aunt and Uncle. It turns out that his parents were necessarily eliminated as threats to the nation by Lord Rothermort, after getting involved in a weird, satanic cult. At a young and impressionable age Harry is abducted by a chunky biker who begins to indoctrinate him in the evil ideology of ‘wizardry’. He is initiated into the Wizard cult’s brainwashing facility ‘Hogwarts’, run by old-as-the-hills lefty Alan Bumblebridger, where he makes friends with a freckled boy who comes from a feckless family of eight living the high life on housing benefit and a teasingly timid academic starlet.

Together, they flounce through the first year of Bumblebridger’s rigourless, touchy-feely curriculum, which IGNORES major historical topics like the Second World War, Winston Churchill, the British Empire, and Margaret Thatcher God-rest-her-soul JUST ONE example of why Britain is going to hell in a handcart.

The book’s SHOCKING FINALE sees Harry come face to sort-of-face with Lord Rothermort just as Lord R is about to gain eternal benevolent control over the wizarding world. Harry’s liberal orders take effect as he cheats and beats He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Regulated. The moral victory, of course, is Lord Rothermort’s, as Harry returns to Surrey to have some common sense beaten into him for his own good.


Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Harry and his chums are given far too much free time by their new age ‘nurturing’ teachers which allows them to stick their noses into a COVERED-UP CONSPIRACY perpetrated by the cosmopolitan wizarding elite. The SICKENING SCANDAL, whitewashed by radical teachers unions, puts vulnerable young pupils at risk and further highlights the need for Michael Gove to run everything.


Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Health and safety measures allow a dangerous, mentally-disturbed convict named Sirius Ethnic-Minority to escape from a 5-star prison run by EU bureaucrats. Self-obsessed Harry thinks Sirius is coming after him, so he seeks protection from Bumblebridger and the shady new teacher Remus ‘Loopy’ Leveson. Eventually, it turns out that Ethnic-Minority was STITCHED UP by the European Court of Human Rights. Theresa May unexpectedly comes to the rescue and protects him from meddling jobsworths.


Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry cheats his way into a school competition, ruining it for British spectators looking forward to a good old-fashioned display of sportsmanship and gentle elitism. During the contest, his unpatriotic pacifism and refusal to stand up for traditional values results in the death of an aspiring, young-Aryan-male student. The conflict between Bumblebridger and Lord Rothermort breaks out into the open with SLANDEROUS allegations peddled in the elite Marxist press that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Regulated was in some way involved.


Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Bumblebridger assembles an elite order of crackpot conspiracy theorists and union barons to muddy Lord Rothermort’s good name. Lazy social workers in the Ministry of Magic CAN’T BE BOTHERED to stop Harry getting himself into danger and he is allowed to run around with this dangerous, criminal gang. Meanwhile, proper order and discipline is restored to Hogwarts when it is made an academy under the supervision of Dolores Govebridge, who manages the school with a commonsense approach that values hard work and mild torture. The book closes with Harry’s gang of vandal thugs causing massive damage to public property that hardworking taxpayers will have to foot the bill for. Also, Sirius Ethnic-Minority dies.


Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Hurrah for the Death Eaters! All hail Lord Rothermort’s glorious return. Bumblebridger dies but his evil legacy lives on.


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

The book opens with Lord Rothermort in his rightful place as the top dog of all of Wizardland, and with Harry and his followers playing truant like the fraudsters they’re destined to become. They travel around stirring up opposition to Lord Rothermort’s new governing order, the Royal Charter, before returning to Hogwarts for a FINAL EPIC SHOWDOWN.

The series ends on a happy note as Harry, the ginger one, and the now-preposterously-hot one realise the true importance of common sense, family values, and doing the right thing (i.e. shipping pre-adolescents off to posh boarding schools).