1984 (as told by the Daily Mail)

1984 is a novel set in a glorious future that prizes traditional values, hard work and doing the right thing.

The protagonist, Winston Smith, named after the greatest Briton to have ever lived, is a grassroots member of the mighty Tory Party living in London, in the Great Nation of England. Everywhere Winston goes the Tory Party’s agency, GCHQ, casts its reassuring, paternal gaze over him through telescreens that some scientists think are the REAL cause of eye cancer. Everywhere he looks he sees the face of the Tory Party’s leader, a figure lovingly known as Big Boris. With Big Boris watching over them, the decent people of the Great Nation of England are protected from the dangers of Red Ed’s dangerous brand of unpatriotic Marxism.

The Tory Party is trusted with everything in the Great Nation of England. The nation’s history and language are protected from radical lefty subversion and kept true to the nation’s blitz/bulldog spirit. Currently, the Tory Party is introducing necessary reforms to the language, now called Mailspeak, which attempts to prevent empathy with the lower orders by introducing words like ‘scrounger’, ‘skiver’, ‘sponger’, ‘cheat’, and ‘fraud’.

Thinking thoughts out of line with Paul Dacre’s version of reality is illegal. Such Guardianistacrime is the worst of all crimes. Orwell was remarkably perceptive in determining that Alan Rusbridger, born three years after Orwell’s death, would be the single biggest threat to the future of Great Britain.

As the novel opens, Winston is getting a bit stroppy because he can’t handle the comfort and security the Tory Party and GCHQ maintain for his English compatriots. Winston wants to rebel against the Tory Party in the same way that good-for-nothing modern Broken British teenagers rebel against their hardworking parents.

Winston has illegally purchased a diary in which to write his criminal Anne Frank-esque thoughts. He has also become fixated in a bit of a pervy way on a powerful Tory Party member named O’Clegg, whom Winston believes is a secret member of the Miliband Brotherhood — the weird, Marxist group that works to overthrow the Tory Party and impose a reign of terror on the respectable people of the Great Nation of England.

Winston works under the benevolent gaze of Big Gove in the Department of Education, where he corrects historical records to fit the needs of the Tory Party. He notices a coworker staring at him, a brunette seductress power-dressing in an effortlessly stylish outfit designed by the Tory Party’s top woman Big Theresa. He worries that she is a GCHQ agent who will get him bang to rights for his Guardianistacrime.

Winston is vexed by the Tory Party’s protection of the Great Nation of England’s history: the Tory Party rightly claims that the Great Nation of England has always been allied with United Murica in a war against Europarl, but Winston wrongly recalls a time when this was not true, possibly because his brain was permanently damaged by binge-drinking, sexts, and legal highs in the dangerous, liberal past.

The Tory Party also rightly claims that Red Ed, the leader of the Miliband Brotherhood, is the most dangerous man alive, but this piece of straight-forward common sense does not seem plausible to Winston’s frazzled mind. Winston spends his evenings lurking around the dirtiest, scummiest, poorest neighbourhoods in London, where the proles and the dark-skinned choose to live squalid lives on benefits.

One day, Winston SHOCKINGLY receives a note from the suspicious femme fatale that reads “I love you.” She tells him her name, Harriet, and they begin a sordid, debauched affair, always on the lookout for signs of concerned and well-meaning GCHQ agents. Eventually they rent a secret love-nest in the prole district from a dodgy Romanian-looking man who owns the subversive secondhand shop where Winston bought his criminal diary.

Winston is sure that they will be caught by the professionalism of the forces of law and order and tried by media sooner or later, while Air-head Harriet is more care-free. As Winston’s affair with Harriet progresses, she infects his brain with her evil ideology – a sick brand of Marxist feminism that displays her hatred for the Great Nation of England. After a reasonable delay and moderate cost, Winston receives a letter via the privatised postal service: O’Clegg wants to see him.

Winston and Harriet travel to O’Clegg’s luxurious, £5m, South Kensington apartment. As a member of the Cabinet, O’Clegg leads a life that appears luxurious but really helps him stay in touch with the feelings of decent, hardworking taxpayers. O’Clegg confirms to Winston and Harriet that, like them, he hates the Tory Party, and says that he works against it as a secret member of the Miliband Brotherhood. He initiates Winston and Harriet into the Miliband Brotherhood, makes them swear an oath to Ralph, the Eternal Leader, and gives Winston a copy of Red Ed’s book, the manifesto of the Miliband Brotherhood.

Winston reads the book like a poncy intellectual — a deranged rant about ‘One Nation’ designed to offend the virtue of the Great Nation of England and strike fear into decent, hardworking Mail readers — to Julia in the depraved squalor of their secret hideaway. Suddenly, in a STUNNING TWIST a squad of courageous Christian soldiers mount a daring operation to seize them. Mr. Roskolnikov, the proprietor of the store, is revealed as having been a GCHQ agent all along(!), whose real name is Mr. Littlejohn

Separated from Harriet and taken to the Ministry of Justice, Winston finds that O’Clegg, too, is a Tory Party spy whose real name is Big Grayling. Big Grayling ingeniously pretended to be a member of the Miliband Brotherhood to get evidence of Winston’s dangerous unpatriotic, Guardianista tendencies.

Big Grayling is able to spend months questioning Winston using enhanced interrogation techniques thanks to the Tory Party’s anti-terror laws pioneered by Big Theresa. Eventually, Big Grayling sends him to the dreaded Room 101, the final destination for anyone who continues to stubbornly oppose the Tory Party. Here, Winston is forced to engage in superficial conversation with a group of F-list celebs drawn straight from the murky depths of the Sidebar of Shame. Winston snaps, pleading with Big Grayling to do it to Harriet, not to him.

Giving up Harriet, the seditious feminist, is what O’Clegg/Big Grayling wanted from Winston all along. His spirit mended, Winston is released to the outside world. He meets Harriet but chooses to find himself a real woman who knows her place. True to his namesake, Winston accepts the Tory Party entirely and comes to love Big Boris.