Trainspotting (as told by the Daily Mail)

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Trainspotting is an obscene novel set in a post-apocalyptic vision of hell called ‘Edinburgh’. It follows a central cast of low-life junkie scum who roam the streets preying on young girls, old ladies, and hardworking families.

The opening scenes detail a depraved den of drug-induced decadence that would sicken any decent, moral Englishman. Populated by shady dealers and shrieking harpies, this squalid pit of despair is a fine representation of council estates up and down the country.

The protagonist, Mark ‘Rent Boy’ Renton attempts to kick his heroin habit in the early chapters, but his lack of moral fibre brings him back time and time again to the lure of the deadly drug. Renton rejects the traditional values of this great nation in a sick diatribe notoriously known as the ‘Choose life’ monologue.

The reader gets a SHOCKING insight into the callous depths of Renton’s perverted mind when he seduces and abducts a 14-year-old girl, REPEATEDLY sleeping with her just INCHES away from her parents. In another twisted passage Renton attempts to kill an innocent squirrel, jealous of its freedom and strong work ethic. This is not to be confused with Tory Ministers’ attempts to kill lazy, scrounging badgers.

During the course of the book Renton gets parked on methadone by a liberal touchy-feely judge who should have locked him up. Even though he could live a life most hardworking people can only dream of as a state-sponsored drug addict, Renton succumbs to temptation and overdoses on heroin, costing taxpayers a fortune in unnecessary NHS spending.

Renton is only able to say no to drugs after moving from the squalor of Scotland to become and entrepreneur in tax-friendly London. Although he comes across dangerous Euro-homos, Renton is certainly safer under the loving gaze of Lady Thatcher God-rest-her-soul.

The narration switches between the supporting characters Sick Boy, Spud, Tommy, Begbie, Davie, Kelly, and Johnny Swann. The novel details their hedonistic lifestyles and drug-fuelled rampages, striking fear into the hearts of the decent middle-classes. To spare you the lurid, filthy details the Daily Mail will only summarise very briefly a selection of key events:

  • Sick Boy’s daughter is left to die in the junkies’ flat while all those around her get high. This raises the question of why so-called ‘social workers’ did not get involved. In a sickening turn of events, rather than calling the emergency services the crowd of junkie scum carry on cooking heroin after they find the innocent child.

  • Tommy’s attempts to nosily interfere in a private disagreement between a man and woman in a pub backfire as the hysterical woman digs her claws into his face. As Mail readers know, he should have watched from a distance with a wide-angle lens and sold the snaps to MailOnline.

  • Tommy abandons his girlfriend on her BIRTHDAY to watch an old man, alias ‘Iggy Pop’, disgrace himself on stage in a dark, sweaty hellhole.

  • Begbie, a violent sociopath, viciously assaults various people including innocent middle-class wine drinkers in a respectable bar, an innocent American tourist who would otherwise be bringing money into the local economy to pay for Begbie’s benefits, and an innocent passer-by. The police are, of course, too busy filling in forms and going on ‘diversity’ training courses to catch this dangerous man.

  • Renton corrupts the otherwise-innocent Tommy by forcing drugs on him, leading to Tommy’s physical and moral decay. Tommy eventually dies of AIDS, meaning he was probably a closet homo.

  • Spud goes to extreme lengths to cheat the taxpayer and stay on benefits by TAKING DRUGS before a job interview. He carries on fraudulently claiming even though he is perfectly capable of working just like all those other ‘disabled’ people judged fit to work by Atos.

  • Johnny Swann spits in HRH Lady Thatcher’s face by pretending to be a Falklands veteran while out BEGGING.

  • Davie purposefully spreads urine and faeces around the house of a decent, hardworking middle-class family in a vision of what the Labour party would like to happen up and down the country.

  • Spud recounts his encounter with a group of young men who make the commonsense assertion that ‘there ain’t no black in the Union Jack’. The Daily Mail agrees with this representation of our glorious national flag and will never apologise for it.

  • Sick Boy plays an uncharacteristically heroic part in destroying a dangerous weapon dog in a park. He is commended by police for his actions. However, eagle-eyed Mail readers who know better than to ever trust junkies may be able to see that this is in fact A CONSPIRACY as Sick Boy shot the dog with an air rifle to provoke it, much as most young black men provoke the Metropolitan Police into stopping and searching them.

  • Kelly asserts her bolshy feminist side by talking back to lothario builders and siding with a group of radical lesbians to denigrate Mark’s masculinity.

  • The main characters perpetrate a large heroin deal under the nose of the Tory government in London. However, callous junkie Renton rips off his ‘friends’ and STEALS the money.

Trainspotting is a sick piece of filth that only the most twisted, perverted monsters would ever want to read. The Mail is leading a campaign for it to be banned and for all of Scotland to be burned to the ground. We refuse to apologise for sticking to out principles.

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