Hamlet (as told by the Daily Mail)

Hamlet is a tragedy set in Socialist Scandanavia. The protagonist is HRH Prince Wills Hamlet the Balding, the son of HRH King Hamlet the Talks-to-Flowers and HRH Queen Gertrude the Diana-Killer.

When the play opens, King Hamlet has recently died like another royal killed during the last Labour government. Claudius, King Hamlet’s brother, has been crowned the new King and has married Gertrude. The coronation and wedding have sparked spontaneous outbursts of patriotism as sales of bunting have gone through the roof and street parties have brought neighbours together, but mostly in the Home Counties and not in places like Bradford or Tower Hamlets. Shortly after his mother’s marriage, Prince Hamlet SHOCKINGLY meets his DEAD father’s spirit.

The national broadcaster the DBC (not unlike the BBC) and the Olde Danish Guardian have brainwashed people to believe that King Hamlet was killed in an accidental coach-crash in a tunnel. In a related note, it is a well-known fact in the Mail newsroom that 99% of crashes are organised by scamming criminal immigrants on drugs. However, the Ghost tells Hamlet that he was MURDERED in a fit of jealousy by Claudius. Claudius killed the king by colluding with the security services and the French government to MURDER King Hamlet in the tunnel. He says that Creepy Claudius has seduced Gertrude like a member of One Direction seduces teenage girls and STOLEN the throne. The Ghost tells Hamlet that “The serpent that did sting thy father’s life / Now wears his crown / Upon his larger-than-average head that may indicate cancer”.

The spirit begs Hamlet to seek revenge: “Let not the royal bed of Denmark be / A couch for luxury and damned incest / Unless being filmed for SENSATIONAL Channel 4 doc fronted by Miranda Sawyer”.

Hamlet needs proof that this is an “honest” ghost unlike BBC spin doctors spending YOUR licence fee.

He watches fraudsters at the local Job Centre Plus so he can act bonkers to allow him to spy on Claudius and plot his revenge. Horatio is the only person who knows that Hamlet is pretending to be mad, but of course all commonsense decent Mail readers know all ‘mad’ people are just pretending so they can get their hands on benefits. Harebrained Hamlet often talks to himself and questions his own plans and existence like some poncy sponging student. At one point he comtemplates topping himself: “To be or not to be that is JUST ONE question raised by this sickening betrayal. Whether tis nobler in mind to suffer the slings and arrows of OUTRAGEOUS fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and maybe even a Pole or two…”

Hamlet is in love with middle-class Kate Ophelia, but pretends to be angry with her. He dumps her like [male on TOWIE] dumped [female on TOWIE]. His line “Get thee to a nunnery, go: farewell” underlines both the importance of traditional Christianity and a woman’s rightful place in society, preferably a silent one. She is upset, but probably only because she’s PMT. Polonius and Claudius see Hamlet shouting at Ophelia and are worried that she might retaliate in a hysterical, feminist fury. Seeing Hamlet’s psycho behaviour, Claudius decides to watch Hamlet closely: “Madness in great ones must not unwatched go / Particularly NHS execs and Eurocrats.”

Hamlet asks a travelling group of ex-BBC sex offenders to put on a play for Claudius in which a king is assassinated by spooks in a Parisian tunnel. If Claudius really did murder the old King, Hamlet thinks that his reaction will prove his guilt: “The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the King / and whereout Mail paps can get EXCLUSIVE red-carpet pics.” On seeing the play, Claudius gets all hot and bothered, which convinces Hamlet that the Ghost was telling the truth, unlike the lying Olde Danish Guardian or the lefty DBBC. Claudius realises that Hamlet knows who murdered the old King and that his stepson is a rare non-Muslim threat.

Finding Claudius alone and apparently praying to Jehovah or Vishnu or some other foreign God like that, Hamlet plans to affirm his traditional family values and kill him. However, he hesitates because Claudius’ prayer may save his soul from being “damn’d and black as the average Premier League player”. He decides to kill him when Claudius is “about some act / That has no relish of salvation in’t / Not invented before 1960”.

Against the wishes of the Ghost, Hamlet turns his anger on his evil womanly mother and her SORDID AFFAIR with Claudius. In Gertrude’s effortlessly chic bedroom, he hears a noise behind a tapestry and thinks it must be Claudius. Hamlet goes a bit schizo and stabs violently through the curtain like an escaped mental patient stabbing your Mum. However, Polonius is behind the curtain, spying on Hamlet to find out the cause of his pretend, non-existent, made-up, fictional ‘madness’. Hamlet has now KILLED Ophelia’s father in a scene worthy of our true-life stories.

Gertrude tells Claudius that Killer Hamlet’s ‘mental health diagnosis’ caused him to murder Polonius. Claudius decides not to have him tried for murder because he would probably get off on some lefty ‘human rights’ nonsense. Instead, he convinces Hamlet to leave for the luscious, unspoiled hills of fair old pre-Labour England with two of his nothing-more-than-friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Claudius convinces Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to take a secret letter to HRH the Glorious and Magnificent King of England and definitely not Scotland or Wales. The letter asks for Hamlet to be sentenced to death for murder and for being a total fruitcake.

Ophelia, already struggling to cope with Hamlet’s madness, learns of her father’s death and has a HUMILIATING breakdown (pics on p.4-12). While collecting flowers, she drowns in a stream.

While sailing to that sceptred isle of England, Hamlet’s ship is attacked by probably-ethnic pirates. Hamlet MIRACULOUSLY survives and goes back to his-own-country-where-he-belongs to meet Horatio. They see a grave being dug (a grave that will be Ophelia’s). Hamlet can’t understand the Eastern European labourer telling him to bugger off, so he picks up an unearthed skull which he learns is that of an obscene, leftie stand-up comedian. Hamlet sees Laertes and Gertrude in the cemetery. Hamlet hides and when he overhears that the grave is Ophelia’s, he is upset.

Ophelia’s brother Laertes has returned home from homo-friendly Paris for the funeral. He has learnt of Mad Prince Hamlet’s part in his father and sister’s deaths and when he sees the dangerous mentalist in the cemetary, he bravely challenges him to a good, old-fashioned, traditional duel – a fencing match that these days would be BANNED thanks to Brussels and health and safety. Claudius sees this as a chance to be rid of Hamlet. He convinces Laertes to switch from the politically correct blunted sword to one sharpened and tipped with deadly poison, also adding poison to Hamlet’s girly diet coke for extra security.

The duel begins but things quickly go as wrong as Red Ed’s bonkers Marxist plans. Both Laertes and Hamlet are stabbed by the poisoned blade, adding to the HUGE number of young people attacked with knives VERY SINGLE DAY. Gertrude, thinking her son is approaching victory, sort of like Mo Farah or Jessica Ennis but not in an ethnic way, accidentally drinks from the poisoned cup. Seeing his mother die, Crackers Hamlet adds to his probably GTA V-inspired death count and stabs Claudius.

Hamlet drinks what is left in the cup (not even enough for a Geordie ladette to land herself in A&E from) and dies. Horatio is the only person left standing and laments “Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet prince, And flights of Tory ministers sing thee to thy rest!”