Of Mice and Men (as told by the Daily Mail)

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Two workers, George and Lennie, have done the right thing and got on their metaphorical bikes to California so that they don’t have to sign on, like asylum seekers in your town. They have been let off a bus miles away from the farm where they are due to start good, honest work. George is a dark (but not ethnic) man with “sharp, strong features.” Lennie, his companion is a giant simpleton. The two stop in a clearing that has not been destroyed yet by high-speed rail and decide to camp for the night. As the two converse, it becomes clear that Lennie is a bit of a div, and is deeply but totally heterosexually devoted to George and dependent upon him.

George finds that Lennie, who loves petting soft things but often accidentally kills them just as other mental patients kill people, has been carrying and stroking a dead mouse in some kind of perverted rodent fantasy. George angrily throws it away, fearing that Lennie might catch cancer/bird flu/swine flu/SARS/MRSA/diabetes/Alzheimer’s from the dead animal. George complains loudly that Lennie The Loon is a burden and his life would be easier without having to care about his mental problems.

He and Lennie share a dream of buying their own piece of land, farming it, owning their own home, working hard, doing the right thing, and, much to Lennie’s simple delight, keeping rabbits. George ends the night by treating Lennie to the story he often tells him about what life will be like in such an idyllic place made possible by a strong capitalist economy and hard work..

The next day, the men turn up on time at the nearby ranch unlike the cowboy builders and Polish plumbers they aren’t. George, fearing how his morally superior wealth-creator boss will react to Looney Lennie, insists that he’ll do all the talking. He scandalously lies, explaining that they look for work instead of queuing at the dole office together because they are cousins and that a horse kicked Lennie in the head when he was a child. They are hired in a scene that would not be possible in today’s Britain because of crippling Euro red-tape.

They meet Candy (not of the arm kind, incidentally featured in a double spread inside) who is an old handyman with a missing hand (more like a handlessman!) and an ancient dog; and Curley, the boss’s traditional, disciplinarian son. Curley has done the right thing and got married, unlike most of today’s British youth who would rather binge drink and take party drugs. Curley is rightly possessive of his flirtatious wife who struts her stuff around the farm in elegantly revealing clothes.

Once George and Lennie are alone in the bunkhouse, with George taking a risk being on his own with such a dangerous mental patient, Curley’s wife appears and flaunts her voluptuous curves. Dead-eyed Lennie dimly thinks she is “purty,” but George, sensing the inherent evil in womankind, warns Lennie to stay away from her.

Soon, the ranch-hands return from the fields for a lunch of both carcinogenic and cancer-preventing food, and George and Lennie meet Slim, so called for his Paltrow-inspired figure, the skilled mule driver who wields great authority on the ranch. Slim comments on the rarity of friendship like that between George and Loopy Lennie, which is even rarer in today’s Broken Britain of single mums and rioting gangs. Carlson, another casual labourer on an attractive zero-hours contract, suggests that since Slim’s dog has just had ADORABLE puppies, they should offer to sell one to Candy for a profit and shoot Candy’s old, good-for-nothing dog with a shotgun that every responsible adult should carry to ward off hordes of Romanian pickpockets.

The next day, George reveals to Slim that (shock!) he and Lopsided Lennie are not cousins, but have been totally heterosexual friends since childhood. He tells how Lennie has often gotten them into trouble with his mental antics. For instance, they were forced to flee their last job because the dangerous oaf tried to pervertedly touch a woman’s dress and was accused of ‘rape’. Slim agrees to sell Lennie one of his puppies, and Carlson continues to badger Candy to euthanise his old dog like Eurocrats want to euthanise your Grandma. When Slim agrees with Carlson, saying that death would preferable to welfare, Candy gives in. Carlson promises to do the job painlessly, like a coalition government cutting social security spending.

Candy snoops on George and Crazy Lennie discussing their plans to fulfill man’s natural land-owning destiny, and all thanks to his completely legitimate espionage he offers his life’s savings if they will let him live there too. The three make a pact to let no one else know of their plan.

Slim goes to the barn to do some good old-fashioned work, and Curley, who is maniacally searching for his lusty wife, heads to the barn to brawl with Slim like a rapper thumping a photographer outside a nightclub (pictures p.3-6). Slim returns to the bunkhouse, bitching about Curley. Curley, searching for a suitably vulnerable target for his anger, finds Lennie and picks a fight with him. In gruesome scenes (pictures p.7-12) Mad Lennie crushes Curley’s hand. Slim warns Curley that if he tries to get George and Lennie fired in a quick, business-friendly way, he will be humiliated like Nick Clegg.

The next night, most of the men go to the local hooker house/sex dungeon. Lennie is left with Crooks, the ethnic-minority stable-hand, and Candy. Curley’s wife shamelessly flirts with them, wearing a skimpy Dolce & Gabbana black dress with PLENTY of cleavage, and refuses to leave until the brave, strong men come home because she’s a helpless, weak woman. She notices the cuts on Lennie’s face (that would have got infected in a failing NHS hospital run by pen-pushing Trotskyists) and suspects that he, and not a piece of machinery as Curley claimed, is responsible for hurting her husband. This thought amuses her wicked femininity.

The next day, Spazzy Lennie accidentally kills his puppy in the barn in YET ANOTHER display of why your kids are not safe around the mentally ill. Curley’s wife, dressed in an effortlessly fashionable outfit, enters and seductively consoles him. She admits that life with Curley is a disappointment because he’s too much of a real man, and wishes that she had followed her heinous dream of becoming a leftie liberal movie star. Simple Lennie rants and raves about how he loves petting soft things, and she pretty-much-asks-for-it and offers to let him feel her hair. When he grabs too tightly with all his dumb strength, she screams. In his dotty attempt to silence her, he breaks her neck like a Bulgarian would break your child’s neck if you gave them the chance.

Crazy Killer Lennie flees to a pool of the River that George had cunningly designated as a meeting place should either of them – but more likely the mad one – get into trouble. As the men back at the ranch discover what has happened and gather together a decent commonsense lynch party, George joins Wacked-Out Lennie. Much to Lennie’s surprise, George is not angry at him for doing “a bad thing.” George begins to tell Lennie the story of the farm they will have together thanks to low property taxes. As he describes the rabbits that Lennie will tend, the sound of the righteous, God-sent lynch party grows louder. Employing common sense characteristic of a conservative, George shoots his friend in the back of the head.

When the magnificent Crazy Hunters arrive, George lets them believe that Twisted Lennie had the gun, and George heroically wrestled it away from him and shot him. So the moral of the story is that the mentally handicapped are dangerous and should be rooted out of society and shamed into isolation. That is this paper’s opinion and we refuse to apologise for it.