Great Expectations (as told by the Daily Mail)

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Pip, a young orphan who scrounges off his sister and her benefit-cheating husband in their council house of Kent, trespasses in a cemetery one evening to look at his layabout parents’ tombstones. An escaped convict, possibly on drugs and with a murky history of sex offending, springs up from behind a tombstone, grabs Pip – who has been abandoned by do-good social workers – and orders him to bring him the two foods that won’t give him cancer and an EU-approved file for his leg irons. Pip obeys, as children should, but the fearsome dark-skinned convict is soon captured anyway by hardworking coppers. The convict perpetrates a gross miscarriage of justice by claiming to have stolen the items himself, reminiscent of the sordid hypocrisy of Chris Huhne.

One day Pip is taken by his Uncle Pumblechook to play at the £4.2m 16-bedroom-nine-bathroom-10-acre-grounds-underground-library-and-moat Satis House, the fully-occupied home of the wealthy dowager Miss Havisham. She is bloody bonkers: she wears an old wedding dress everywhere in the hope that she may someday benefit from the Conservatives’ Marriage Tax Allowance, and she keeps all the clocks in her house stopped at the same time, possibly in tribute to the moment Princess Diana died under mysterious circumstances.

During Pip’s visit, he meets curvacious Estella, 10, who plays hard to get. Nevertheless, he falls in love with her and dreams of working hard, doing the right thing, voting Tory, and becoming a wealthy gentleman so that he might be worthy of her – or, indeed, anyone. He even hopes that Miss Havisham intends to make him a gentleman and marry him to Estella so that he might benefit to the tune of £3.75 per week. His hopes are scandalously snubbed like Labour snubbed decent middle-class families when, after months of regular visits to Satis House, Miss Havisham decides to keep him in his proper place and help him perfect his Bob the Builder impression as a common labourer in his family’s small business.

With Miss Havisham’s generous mentoring, Pip starts an unpaid internship to his brother-in-law, Joe, who is the cash-in-hand tax-dodging village blacksmith. Pip works in the forge unhappily, his work hindered by EU health and safety rules, while he struggles to better his education. One night, after an altercation with the dangerous job-stealing, welfare-grabbing Romanian labourer Orlick, Pip’s sister, known as Mrs. Joe, is viciously attacked and becomes a complete vegetable. From her signals, Pip suspects that Orlick was responsible for the attack and gets the courageous Home Secretary Theresa May to boot him out of the country.

One day a portly, pin-striped lawyer named Jaggers (no relation to leggy Jade Jagger who is pictured anyway) appears with SHOCKING news: a secret, angelic benefactor – most likely in the offshore investment business – has given Pip a large fortune, and Pip must come to one of the few areas of London not yet infested with illegals and Muslimists immediately to begin his education as a proper gent like that one off of Made In Chelsea. Pip is bumbfounde, as should be expected of one of lower-class breeding, and stupidly assumes that his previous ideas above his station have come true—that batty Miss Havisham is his secret benefactor and that the wrinkled old woman, 43, intends for him to marry the now-voluptuous Estella, 14.

In London, Pip establishes a purely heterosexual friendship with a young gentleman named Herbert Pocket and Jaggers’s law clerk, Wemmick. He expresses commonsense disdain for his former working-class friends and benefit cheat family, especially ‘crippled’ Joe, but he continues to pine after Estella like Paul Dacre pines after Maggie Thatcher. He furthers his education by studying at an outstanding free school with the tutor Matthew Pocket, Herbert’s father and an ardent follower of Michael Gove. Herbert himself helps Pip learn how to act like a gentleman, showing him the right way to propel oneself to the top of the sidebar of shame.

When Pip turns twenty-one and begins to receive an income from his fortune, he secretly helps Herbert buy his way into the business he has chosen for himself. But for now, Herbert and Pip lead a raucous, party-hard life in London, enjoying themselves with various Kardashian sisters and running up debts.

Orlick makes a scandalous return to Pip’s life, employed as Miss Havisham’s Downton Abbey-esque butler having sneaked back into the country under the noses of sleeping border guards. However, he is promptly – no thanks to Brussels red tape – fired by Jaggers after Pip reveals Orlick’s shameful history of environmentalism, gay-rights activism, and also violence. Pip’s sister dies from a new deadly combination of MRSA and Swine Flu – the true legacy of the last Labour government – and he goes home for the funeral, feeling tremendous grief, remorse, and raw anger towards the David Brent-like NHS managers.

Several years go by, until one night a figure from Pip’s traumatic poverty-stricken and welfare-dependent childhood barges into his room—the convict, Magwitch. Before Pip can bludgeon him to death, which he would be justified in doing in this paper’s opinion, Magwitch stuns Pip by announcing that he, not Miss Havisham, not prudent offshore holdings, and not Great Lady Thatcher, is the source of Pip’s wealth. He tells Pip that his icy criminal heart was so thawed moved by Pip’s boyhood kindness that he decided to pay him back – monetarily, of course – and so dedicated his life to capitalism and wealth-creating, making a fortune in the Great British colony of Australia by pulling himself up by his bootstraps, getting on his bike, and not slacking or being a scrounger.

Pip is appalled – and not just by the presence of a commoner in his immediate vicinity – but he feels morally bound as a good Christian to help Magwitch escape London, as the convict is pursued both by the hardworking police and by Compeyson, his possibly-ethnic former partner in crime. A complicated mystery begins to fall into place when Pip discovers that Compeyson was the man who scandalously dumped Miss Havisham and that over-the-hill Estella, 23, is Magwitch’s illegitimate daughter. Man-hating Miss Havisham has raised her to break men’s hearts just like [insert female ‘celebrity’] broke [insert male ‘celebrity’]’s heart, as an uppity feminist campaign of revenge on men. Pip was merely a boy for the effortlessly sexy young Estella, 10, to practice on.

As the weeks pass, in moments of moral weakness Pip sees the good in the unchristian ex-con Magwitch and begins to care for him out of some misplaced sense of liberal guilt. Estella marries an upstanding upper-class young man named Bentley Drummle. Pip makes a visit to Satis House, where Miss Havisham begs his forgiveness for the way she has treated him in the past, and he forgives her in yet another display of his new Guardianista-bleeding-heart tendency.

Later that day, when she bends over the fireplace and exposes her thighs to our photographers in the bushes outside, her Middleton-inspired clothing catches fire and she goes up in flames. She survives thanks to quality private healthcare but becomes a bit of a spastic, contrary to what the PC-brigade might think. In her final days, she continues to repent for her feminist misdeeds and to plead for Pip’s forgiveness like a good English Christian.

The time comes for Pip and his friends to smuggle Magwitch out of London, just like an asylum seeker smuggled into your back garden. Just before the audacious escape attempt, Pip is called to a shadowy meeting in the marshes, where he encounters the vengeful, evil, foreign Orlick. The Romanian is on the verge of killing Pip – as Romanian’s can do these days thanks to EU ‘human rights’ – when Herbert arrives with a group of masculine friends and saves Pip’s life.

Pip and Herbert hurry back to help Magwitch escape from under the noses of incompetent council officials. They try to sneak Magwitch down the river on a Jubilee-themed boat, but they are discovered by our boys in blue, who Compeyson tipped off. Magwitch and Compeyson fight in the river, as the lower orders do, and Compeyson is drowned. Magwitch is sentenced to death in an example of common sense, and Pip’s fortune is stolen by Marxist civil servants. Magwitch feels that his sentence is God’s forgiveness and dies at peace.

Pip falls ill; Joe comes to London to care for him because the A&Es are full of single mums and darkies, and they are reconciled. Joe gives him the news from home: Orlick is now in jail where all Eastern Europeans belong; Miss Havisham has died; and Joe has learned how to read and write at the local academy.

Pip decides to go abroad with Herbert to create wealth as an entrepreneur in the mercantile trade. Returning many years later, he encounters ancient Estella, 37, in the ruined garden at Satis House. Drummle, her husband, treated her as badly as Charles Saatchi treated Nigella, but he is now as dead as the Lib Dems’ election hopes. Pip finds that Estella’s frigidity and bitchiness have been replaced by a sad kindness which she can use as evidence of ‘depression’ on her welfare claim, and the two leave the garden hand in hand, Pip believing that they will never part again (unlike, God willing, the coalition government).