Harry Potter (as told by the Daily Mail)

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

Harry, a bookish loner, is raised in middle-class comfort in affluent Surrey thanks to the goodwill of his decent, ordinary Aunt and Uncle. It turns out that his parents were necessarily eliminated as threats to the nation by Lord Rothermort, after getting involved in a weird, satanic cult. At a young and impressionable age Harry is abducted by a chunky biker who begins to indoctrinate him in the evil ideology of ‘wizardry’. He is initiated into the Wizard cult’s brainwashing facility ‘Hogwarts’, run by old-as-the-hills lefty Alan Bumblebridger, where he makes friends with a freckled boy who comes from a feckless family of eight living the high life on housing benefit and a teasingly timid academic starlet.

Together, they flounce through the first year of Bumblebridger’s rigourless, touchy-feely curriculum, which IGNORES major historical topics like the Second World War, Winston Churchill, the British Empire, and Margaret Thatcher God-rest-her-soul JUST ONE example of why Britain is going to hell in a handcart.

The book’s SHOCKING FINALE sees Harry come face to sort-of-face with Lord Rothermort just as Lord R is about to gain eternal benevolent control over the wizarding world. Harry’s liberal orders take effect as he cheats and beats He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Regulated. The moral victory, of course, is Lord Rothermort’s, as Harry returns to Surrey to have some common sense beaten into him for his own good.

 

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Harry and his chums are given far too much free time by their new age ‘nurturing’ teachers which allows them to stick their noses into a COVERED-UP CONSPIRACY perpetrated by the cosmopolitan wizarding elite. The SICKENING SCANDAL, whitewashed by radical teachers unions, puts vulnerable young pupils at risk and further highlights the need for Michael Gove to run everything.

 

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Health and safety measures allow a dangerous, mentally-disturbed convict named Sirius Ethnic-Minority to escape from a 5-star prison run by EU bureaucrats. Self-obsessed Harry thinks Sirius is coming after him, so he seeks protection from Bumblebridger and the shady new teacher Remus ‘Loopy’ Leveson. Eventually, it turns out that Ethnic-Minority was STITCHED UP by the European Court of Human Rights. Theresa May unexpectedly comes to the rescue and protects him from meddling jobsworths.

 

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Harry cheats his way into a school competition, ruining it for British spectators looking forward to a good old-fashioned display of sportsmanship and gentle elitism. During the contest, his unpatriotic pacifism and refusal to stand up for traditional values results in the death of an aspiring, young-Aryan-male student. The conflict between Bumblebridger and Lord Rothermort breaks out into the open with SLANDEROUS allegations peddled in the elite Marxist press that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Regulated was in some way involved.

 

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Bumblebridger assembles an elite order of crackpot conspiracy theorists and union barons to muddy Lord Rothermort’s good name. Lazy social workers in the Ministry of Magic CAN’T BE BOTHERED to stop Harry getting himself into danger and he is allowed to run around with this dangerous, criminal gang. Meanwhile, proper order and discipline is restored to Hogwarts when it is made an academy under the supervision of Dolores Govebridge, who manages the school with a commonsense approach that values hard work and mild torture. The book closes with Harry’s gang of vandal thugs causing massive damage to public property that hardworking taxpayers will have to foot the bill for. Also, Sirius Ethnic-Minority dies.

 

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Hurrah for the Death Eaters! All hail Lord Rothermort’s glorious return. Bumblebridger dies but his evil legacy lives on.

 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

The book opens with Lord Rothermort in his rightful place as the top dog of all of Wizardland, and with Harry and his followers playing truant like the fraudsters they’re destined to become. They travel around stirring up opposition to Lord Rothermort’s new governing order, the Royal Charter, before returning to Hogwarts for a FINAL EPIC SHOWDOWN.

The series ends on a happy note as Harry, the ginger one, and the now-preposterously-hot one realise the true importance of common sense, family values, and doing the right thing (i.e. shipping pre-adolescents off to posh boarding schools).

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1984 (as told by the Daily Mail)

1984 is a novel set in a glorious future that prizes traditional values, hard work and doing the right thing.

The protagonist, Winston Smith, named after the greatest Briton to have ever lived, is a grassroots member of the mighty Tory Party living in London, in the Great Nation of England. Everywhere Winston goes the Tory Party’s agency, GCHQ, casts its reassuring, paternal gaze over him through telescreens that some scientists think are the REAL cause of eye cancer. Everywhere he looks he sees the face of the Tory Party’s leader, a figure lovingly known as Big Boris. With Big Boris watching over them, the decent people of the Great Nation of England are protected from the dangers of Red Ed’s dangerous brand of unpatriotic Marxism.

The Tory Party is trusted with everything in the Great Nation of England. The nation’s history and language are protected from radical lefty subversion and kept true to the nation’s blitz/bulldog spirit. Currently, the Tory Party is introducing necessary reforms to the language, now called Mailspeak, which attempts to prevent empathy with the lower orders by introducing words like ‘scrounger’, ‘skiver’, ‘sponger’, ‘cheat’, and ‘fraud’.

Thinking thoughts out of line with Paul Dacre’s version of reality is illegal. Such Guardianistacrime is the worst of all crimes. Orwell was remarkably perceptive in determining that Alan Rusbridger, born three years after Orwell’s death, would be the single biggest threat to the future of Great Britain.

As the novel opens, Winston is getting a bit stroppy because he can’t handle the comfort and security the Tory Party and GCHQ maintain for his English compatriots. Winston wants to rebel against the Tory Party in the same way that good-for-nothing modern Broken British teenagers rebel against their hardworking parents.

Winston has illegally purchased a diary in which to write his criminal Anne Frank-esque thoughts. He has also become fixated in a bit of a pervy way on a powerful Tory Party member named O’Clegg, whom Winston believes is a secret member of the Miliband Brotherhood — the weird, Marxist group that works to overthrow the Tory Party and impose a reign of terror on the respectable people of the Great Nation of England.

Winston works under the benevolent gaze of Big Gove in the Department of Education, where he corrects historical records to fit the needs of the Tory Party. He notices a coworker staring at him, a brunette seductress power-dressing in an effortlessly stylish outfit designed by the Tory Party’s top woman Big Theresa. He worries that she is a GCHQ agent who will get him bang to rights for his Guardianistacrime.

Winston is vexed by the Tory Party’s protection of the Great Nation of England’s history: the Tory Party rightly claims that the Great Nation of England has always been allied with United Murica in a war against Europarl, but Winston wrongly recalls a time when this was not true, possibly because his brain was permanently damaged by binge-drinking, sexts, and legal highs in the dangerous, liberal past.

The Tory Party also rightly claims that Red Ed, the leader of the Miliband Brotherhood, is the most dangerous man alive, but this piece of straight-forward common sense does not seem plausible to Winston’s frazzled mind. Winston spends his evenings lurking around the dirtiest, scummiest, poorest neighbourhoods in London, where the proles and the dark-skinned choose to live squalid lives on benefits.

One day, Winston SHOCKINGLY receives a note from the suspicious femme fatale that reads “I love you.” She tells him her name, Harriet, and they begin a sordid, debauched affair, always on the lookout for signs of concerned and well-meaning GCHQ agents. Eventually they rent a secret love-nest in the prole district from a dodgy Romanian-looking man who owns the subversive secondhand shop where Winston bought his criminal diary.

Winston is sure that they will be caught by the professionalism of the forces of law and order and tried by media sooner or later, while Air-head Harriet is more care-free. As Winston’s affair with Harriet progresses, she infects his brain with her evil ideology – a sick brand of Marxist feminism that displays her hatred for the Great Nation of England. After a reasonable delay and moderate cost, Winston receives a letter via the privatised postal service: O’Clegg wants to see him.

Winston and Harriet travel to O’Clegg’s luxurious, £5m, South Kensington apartment. As a member of the Cabinet, O’Clegg leads a life that appears luxurious but really helps him stay in touch with the feelings of decent, hardworking taxpayers. O’Clegg confirms to Winston and Harriet that, like them, he hates the Tory Party, and says that he works against it as a secret member of the Miliband Brotherhood. He initiates Winston and Harriet into the Miliband Brotherhood, makes them swear an oath to Ralph, the Eternal Leader, and gives Winston a copy of Red Ed’s book, the manifesto of the Miliband Brotherhood.

Winston reads the book like a poncy intellectual — a deranged rant about ‘One Nation’ designed to offend the virtue of the Great Nation of England and strike fear into decent, hardworking Mail readers — to Julia in the depraved squalor of their secret hideaway. Suddenly, in a STUNNING TWIST a squad of courageous Christian soldiers mount a daring operation to seize them. Mr. Roskolnikov, the proprietor of the store, is revealed as having been a GCHQ agent all along(!), whose real name is Mr. Littlejohn

Separated from Harriet and taken to the Ministry of Justice, Winston finds that O’Clegg, too, is a Tory Party spy whose real name is Big Grayling. Big Grayling ingeniously pretended to be a member of the Miliband Brotherhood to get evidence of Winston’s dangerous unpatriotic, Guardianista tendencies.

Big Grayling is able to spend months questioning Winston using enhanced interrogation techniques thanks to the Tory Party’s anti-terror laws pioneered by Big Theresa. Eventually, Big Grayling sends him to the dreaded Room 101, the final destination for anyone who continues to stubbornly oppose the Tory Party. Here, Winston is forced to engage in superficial conversation with a group of F-list celebs drawn straight from the murky depths of the Sidebar of Shame. Winston snaps, pleading with Big Grayling to do it to Harriet, not to him.

Giving up Harriet, the seditious feminist, is what O’Clegg/Big Grayling wanted from Winston all along. His spirit mended, Winston is released to the outside world. He meets Harriet but chooses to find himself a real woman who knows her place. True to his namesake, Winston accepts the Tory Party entirely and comes to love Big Boris.

Trainspotting (as told by the Daily Mail)

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Trainspotting is an obscene novel set in a post-apocalyptic vision of hell called ‘Edinburgh’. It follows a central cast of low-life junkie scum who roam the streets preying on young girls, old ladies, and hardworking families.

The opening scenes detail a depraved den of drug-induced decadence that would sicken any decent, moral Englishman. Populated by shady dealers and shrieking harpies, this squalid pit of despair is a fine representation of council estates up and down the country.

The protagonist, Mark ‘Rent Boy’ Renton attempts to kick his heroin habit in the early chapters, but his lack of moral fibre brings him back time and time again to the lure of the deadly drug. Renton rejects the traditional values of this great nation in a sick diatribe notoriously known as the ‘Choose life’ monologue.

The reader gets a SHOCKING insight into the callous depths of Renton’s perverted mind when he seduces and abducts a 14-year-old girl, REPEATEDLY sleeping with her just INCHES away from her parents. In another twisted passage Renton attempts to kill an innocent squirrel, jealous of its freedom and strong work ethic. This is not to be confused with Tory Ministers’ attempts to kill lazy, scrounging badgers.

During the course of the book Renton gets parked on methadone by a liberal touchy-feely judge who should have locked him up. Even though he could live a life most hardworking people can only dream of as a state-sponsored drug addict, Renton succumbs to temptation and overdoses on heroin, costing taxpayers a fortune in unnecessary NHS spending.

Renton is only able to say no to drugs after moving from the squalor of Scotland to become and entrepreneur in tax-friendly London. Although he comes across dangerous Euro-homos, Renton is certainly safer under the loving gaze of Lady Thatcher God-rest-her-soul.

The narration switches between the supporting characters Sick Boy, Spud, Tommy, Begbie, Davie, Kelly, and Johnny Swann. The novel details their hedonistic lifestyles and drug-fuelled rampages, striking fear into the hearts of the decent middle-classes. To spare you the lurid, filthy details the Daily Mail will only summarise very briefly a selection of key events:

  • Sick Boy’s daughter is left to die in the junkies’ flat while all those around her get high. This raises the question of why so-called ‘social workers’ did not get involved. In a sickening turn of events, rather than calling the emergency services the crowd of junkie scum carry on cooking heroin after they find the innocent child.

  • Tommy’s attempts to nosily interfere in a private disagreement between a man and woman in a pub backfire as the hysterical woman digs her claws into his face. As Mail readers know, he should have watched from a distance with a wide-angle lens and sold the snaps to MailOnline.

  • Tommy abandons his girlfriend on her BIRTHDAY to watch an old man, alias ‘Iggy Pop’, disgrace himself on stage in a dark, sweaty hellhole.

  • Begbie, a violent sociopath, viciously assaults various people including innocent middle-class wine drinkers in a respectable bar, an innocent American tourist who would otherwise be bringing money into the local economy to pay for Begbie’s benefits, and an innocent passer-by. The police are, of course, too busy filling in forms and going on ‘diversity’ training courses to catch this dangerous man.

  • Renton corrupts the otherwise-innocent Tommy by forcing drugs on him, leading to Tommy’s physical and moral decay. Tommy eventually dies of AIDS, meaning he was probably a closet homo.

  • Spud goes to extreme lengths to cheat the taxpayer and stay on benefits by TAKING DRUGS before a job interview. He carries on fraudulently claiming even though he is perfectly capable of working just like all those other ‘disabled’ people judged fit to work by Atos.

  • Johnny Swann spits in HRH Lady Thatcher’s face by pretending to be a Falklands veteran while out BEGGING.

  • Davie purposefully spreads urine and faeces around the house of a decent, hardworking middle-class family in a vision of what the Labour party would like to happen up and down the country.

  • Spud recounts his encounter with a group of young men who make the commonsense assertion that ‘there ain’t no black in the Union Jack’. The Daily Mail agrees with this representation of our glorious national flag and will never apologise for it.

  • Sick Boy plays an uncharacteristically heroic part in destroying a dangerous weapon dog in a park. He is commended by police for his actions. However, eagle-eyed Mail readers who know better than to ever trust junkies may be able to see that this is in fact A CONSPIRACY as Sick Boy shot the dog with an air rifle to provoke it, much as most young black men provoke the Metropolitan Police into stopping and searching them.

  • Kelly asserts her bolshy feminist side by talking back to lothario builders and siding with a group of radical lesbians to denigrate Mark’s masculinity.

  • The main characters perpetrate a large heroin deal under the nose of the Tory government in London. However, callous junkie Renton rips off his ‘friends’ and STEALS the money.

Trainspotting is a sick piece of filth that only the most twisted, perverted monsters would ever want to read. The Mail is leading a campaign for it to be banned and for all of Scotland to be burned to the ground. We refuse to apologise for sticking to out principles.

Jane Eyre (as told by the Daily Mail)

Jane Eyre is a feminist rant by a deranged Marxist who hated her country.

The main character is Jane, a parentless yob being raised by Mrs. Reed, her respectably wealthy aunt. A servant named Bessie indoctrinates Jane with evil ideology by telling her socialist stories and by singing feminist songs to her.

One day, as a soft punishment for fighting with her entrepreneurial cousin John Reed, Jane’s aunt locks Jane in the red-room, a plush four-walled pad in which Jane’s Uncle Reed died. While lounging about Jane probably takes a load of party drugs and, believing that she sees her uncle’s ghost, shrieks like a banshee and has a bit of a tumble. She wakes to find herself being nannied by Bessie and the old-fashioned apothecary Mr. Lloyd like kids these days are nannied by social-workers/unionised teachers.

Mr. Lloyd, speaking a good deal of common sense, suggests to Mrs. Reed that Jane be shipped off somewhere where she won’t be a burden on the squeezed household and their servants. To Jane’s delight, Mrs. Reed concurs.

Once at the Lowood Free School, Jane gets her comeuppance for her vile girlishness and youth, finding that her life is far from the kind of five-star luxury British prisoners live in thanks to YOUR taxes. The school’s headmaster is Mr. Brocklehurst, a firm, principled, traditional disciplinarian inspired no doubt by Michael Gove’s political predecessors. Brocklehurst inspires students with his faith in austerity and self-reliance while using the school’s funds only on necessities such as bonuses for senior school governors.

At Lowood, Jane corrupts an innocent, defenceless young girl named Helen Burns, whose faith in the school’s divine mission displeases Jane’s radical Soviet egalitarianism. A massive typhus epidemic sweeps Lowood, spread by an influx of non-English-speaking pupils who drain the school’s resources, and Helen dies of consumption – truly a martyr to the virtue of English decency who should have a day in her honour. The epidemic, bungled by middle managers, also results in the tragic departure of Mr. Brocklehurst by attracting attention from jobsworth Ofsted inspectors.

After a touchy-feely liberal collective takes Brocklehurst’s place, Jane’s life gets all the more cushy as she rakes in luxuries like food and heating. She spends eight more years at Lowood, six as a feckless student and two as a teacher, brainwashing innocents on orders from her radical teachers union.

After ‘teaching’ if-that’s-what-you-call-it for two years, Jane yearns for new minds to twist. The absence of a welfare state forces her to get on her bike and get a governess position at a GEORGEOUS £6.5m manor called Thornfield, where she teaches a cheese-eating, garlic-breath French girl named Adèle (no relation to the national-treasure/thunder-thighs).

The prudish housekeeper Mrs. Fairfax frigidly rules the roost. Jane’s ever-suffering-thanks-to-labour-rights employer at Thornfield is a mysterious, impassioned man named after the safe Tory seat of Rochester, with whom Jane finds herself succumbing to her weak femininity and falling secretly in love.

Her butch biceps save Rochester from a fire one night, which he claims was started by a DRUNK member of the lower-classes named Grace Poole, but because Grace Poole continues to work at Thornfield, Jane concludes that there must be a SCANDALOUS CONSPIRACY that MUST be EXPOSED. Jane sinks into time-of-the-month-blues when Rochester brings home a curvacious, leggy blonde named Blanche Ingram. Jane expects Reckless Rochester to pop the question to Blanche just as this paper wishes Prince Harry would to [insert name here]. But in a SHOCKING TWIST Rochester instead pops it to Jane [!], who accepts despite her small female brain being overwhelmed.

The wedding day arrives. As Jane, wearing a STUNNING dress made exclusively by Coco Chanel’s grandmother, and Mr. Rochester, wearing a traditional suit that would dumbfound today’s young men prepare to go over the HMRC forms, the voice of Mr. Mason cries out that Rompy-Pompy Rochester already has a wife! Mason introduces himself as the BROTHER of that wife—a woman named Bertha. Mr. Mason dramatically declares that Bertha, whom Raunchy Rochester married when he was a young man in the Great and Glorious British Colony of Her Majesty’s Jamaica, is still alive. Red-faced Rochester does not deny Meddling Mason’s claims, but he explains that Bertha has gone Gazza and left Planet Sanity.

He takes the wedding party back to Thornfield, where they witness Bonkers Bertha Mason scurrying around on all fours and growling like a badger in need of being culled. Rochester keeps Barmy Bertha hidden on the spacious third floor of Thornfield and pays Grace Poole to keep the dangerous loon under control. Bertha was of course the real cause of the mysterious fire, as it is just plain common sense that the mentally ill have a perverted attraction to fire. Knowing that it is impossible for her to be with Rochester as marriage is the only decent option, Jane leaves and remains a singleton well into her early-20s.

Penniless because of her feminism and poor work ethic and hungry despite low-priced celebrity cook books, Jane is forced to sleep rough and beg for food like a tramp. At last, three charitable siblings who live in a manor take pity on her lifestyle choices and offer her temporary B&B accommodation. Their names are Mary, Diana (God rest her soul), and St. John Rivers, and Jane quickly weasels her way to becoming friends with them. St. John is a traditional Anglican clergyman, and he magnanimously finds Jane a job teaching, not knowing that Radical Jane would use this position of power to corrupt young minds.

St. John surprises her one day by declaring that her uncle, John Eyre, has kicked the bucket and has been able to leave her a large fortune thanks to low inheritance taxes, brought down by the Tories from all-time Whigh highs. When Jane asks how he received this news, as it wasn’t in the Daily Mail – the only paper worth reading, he SHOCKS her further in a SHOCKING SHOCK by declaring that her uncle WAS ALSO HIS UNCLE: Jane and the Riverses are cousins. True to her Marxist ideology, Jane immediately decides to share the wealth equally with her newfound relatives in as evil an act as Stalin ever performed.

St. John decides to travel to India to spread the Good Word of the English, Anglican, Caucasian, Heterosexual God, and he urges Jane to accompany him as his wife so the marriage tax allowance can offset ‘green’ travel taxes. Jane agrees to go to India despite all the ethnics living there, but refuses to marry her cousin because she does not ‘love’ him. St. John pressures her to overcome a woman’s natural intellectual limits and reconsider, and she nearly does the right thing. However, like [insert celebrity here], she realises that she cannot abandon forever the man she truly wants to drain financially when one night she pops some pills given to her by a Pakistani GP and hears Rochester’s voice calling her name over the little green space that won’t be destroyed by HS2.

Jane hurries back to Thornfield and finds that its housing market value has been wiped out as it has been burned to the ground by Batty Bertha Mason, who got what was coming to her and died in the fire. Reckless Rochester saved the zero-hours servants but lost his eyesight and one of his hands, enabling him to sponge off the hardworking taxpayer on a life of benefits. Jane travels on to Rochester’s new council residence, Ferndean, where he lives a life of lavish luxury with two servants paid for with money that could have gone to YOUR NAN.

At Ferndean, Rochester and Jane rebuild their relationship – documented thoroughly on the Sidebar of Shame – and soon do the right thing and marry. At the end of her story, Jane writes that she has been married for ten years on the dole and that she and Rochester enjoy perfect equality in a vision of pure feminist hell. She says that after two years of blindness, Rochester regained sight in one eye and was able to behold their first son at his birth before he was taken away by interfering social workers.

Hamlet (as told by the Daily Mail)

Hamlet is a tragedy set in Socialist Scandanavia. The protagonist is HRH Prince Wills Hamlet the Balding, the son of HRH King Hamlet the Talks-to-Flowers and HRH Queen Gertrude the Diana-Killer.

When the play opens, King Hamlet has recently died like another royal killed during the last Labour government. Claudius, King Hamlet’s brother, has been crowned the new King and has married Gertrude. The coronation and wedding have sparked spontaneous outbursts of patriotism as sales of bunting have gone through the roof and street parties have brought neighbours together, but mostly in the Home Counties and not in places like Bradford or Tower Hamlets. Shortly after his mother’s marriage, Prince Hamlet SHOCKINGLY meets his DEAD father’s spirit.

The national broadcaster the DBC (not unlike the BBC) and the Olde Danish Guardian have brainwashed people to believe that King Hamlet was killed in an accidental coach-crash in a tunnel. In a related note, it is a well-known fact in the Mail newsroom that 99% of crashes are organised by scamming criminal immigrants on drugs. However, the Ghost tells Hamlet that he was MURDERED in a fit of jealousy by Claudius. Claudius killed the king by colluding with the security services and the French government to MURDER King Hamlet in the tunnel. He says that Creepy Claudius has seduced Gertrude like a member of One Direction seduces teenage girls and STOLEN the throne. The Ghost tells Hamlet that “The serpent that did sting thy father’s life / Now wears his crown / Upon his larger-than-average head that may indicate cancer”.

The spirit begs Hamlet to seek revenge: “Let not the royal bed of Denmark be / A couch for luxury and damned incest / Unless being filmed for SENSATIONAL Channel 4 doc fronted by Miranda Sawyer”.

Hamlet needs proof that this is an “honest” ghost unlike BBC spin doctors spending YOUR licence fee.

He watches fraudsters at the local Job Centre Plus so he can act bonkers to allow him to spy on Claudius and plot his revenge. Horatio is the only person who knows that Hamlet is pretending to be mad, but of course all commonsense decent Mail readers know all ‘mad’ people are just pretending so they can get their hands on benefits. Harebrained Hamlet often talks to himself and questions his own plans and existence like some poncy sponging student. At one point he comtemplates topping himself: “To be or not to be that is JUST ONE question raised by this sickening betrayal. Whether tis nobler in mind to suffer the slings and arrows of OUTRAGEOUS fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and maybe even a Pole or two…”

Hamlet is in love with middle-class Kate Ophelia, but pretends to be angry with her. He dumps her like [male on TOWIE] dumped [female on TOWIE]. His line “Get thee to a nunnery, go: farewell” underlines both the importance of traditional Christianity and a woman’s rightful place in society, preferably a silent one. She is upset, but probably only because she’s PMT. Polonius and Claudius see Hamlet shouting at Ophelia and are worried that she might retaliate in a hysterical, feminist fury. Seeing Hamlet’s psycho behaviour, Claudius decides to watch Hamlet closely: “Madness in great ones must not unwatched go / Particularly NHS execs and Eurocrats.”

Hamlet asks a travelling group of ex-BBC sex offenders to put on a play for Claudius in which a king is assassinated by spooks in a Parisian tunnel. If Claudius really did murder the old King, Hamlet thinks that his reaction will prove his guilt: “The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the King / and whereout Mail paps can get EXCLUSIVE red-carpet pics.” On seeing the play, Claudius gets all hot and bothered, which convinces Hamlet that the Ghost was telling the truth, unlike the lying Olde Danish Guardian or the lefty DBBC. Claudius realises that Hamlet knows who murdered the old King and that his stepson is a rare non-Muslim threat.

Finding Claudius alone and apparently praying to Jehovah or Vishnu or some other foreign God like that, Hamlet plans to affirm his traditional family values and kill him. However, he hesitates because Claudius’ prayer may save his soul from being “damn’d and black as the average Premier League player”. He decides to kill him when Claudius is “about some act / That has no relish of salvation in’t / Not invented before 1960”.

Against the wishes of the Ghost, Hamlet turns his anger on his evil womanly mother and her SORDID AFFAIR with Claudius. In Gertrude’s effortlessly chic bedroom, he hears a noise behind a tapestry and thinks it must be Claudius. Hamlet goes a bit schizo and stabs violently through the curtain like an escaped mental patient stabbing your Mum. However, Polonius is behind the curtain, spying on Hamlet to find out the cause of his pretend, non-existent, made-up, fictional ‘madness’. Hamlet has now KILLED Ophelia’s father in a scene worthy of our true-life stories.

Gertrude tells Claudius that Killer Hamlet’s ‘mental health diagnosis’ caused him to murder Polonius. Claudius decides not to have him tried for murder because he would probably get off on some lefty ‘human rights’ nonsense. Instead, he convinces Hamlet to leave for the luscious, unspoiled hills of fair old pre-Labour England with two of his nothing-more-than-friends, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Claudius convinces Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to take a secret letter to HRH the Glorious and Magnificent King of England and definitely not Scotland or Wales. The letter asks for Hamlet to be sentenced to death for murder and for being a total fruitcake.

Ophelia, already struggling to cope with Hamlet’s madness, learns of her father’s death and has a HUMILIATING breakdown (pics on p.4-12). While collecting flowers, she drowns in a stream.

While sailing to that sceptred isle of England, Hamlet’s ship is attacked by probably-ethnic pirates. Hamlet MIRACULOUSLY survives and goes back to his-own-country-where-he-belongs to meet Horatio. They see a grave being dug (a grave that will be Ophelia’s). Hamlet can’t understand the Eastern European labourer telling him to bugger off, so he picks up an unearthed skull which he learns is that of an obscene, leftie stand-up comedian. Hamlet sees Laertes and Gertrude in the cemetery. Hamlet hides and when he overhears that the grave is Ophelia’s, he is upset.

Ophelia’s brother Laertes has returned home from homo-friendly Paris for the funeral. He has learnt of Mad Prince Hamlet’s part in his father and sister’s deaths and when he sees the dangerous mentalist in the cemetary, he bravely challenges him to a good, old-fashioned, traditional duel – a fencing match that these days would be BANNED thanks to Brussels and health and safety. Claudius sees this as a chance to be rid of Hamlet. He convinces Laertes to switch from the politically correct blunted sword to one sharpened and tipped with deadly poison, also adding poison to Hamlet’s girly diet coke for extra security.

The duel begins but things quickly go as wrong as Red Ed’s bonkers Marxist plans. Both Laertes and Hamlet are stabbed by the poisoned blade, adding to the HUGE number of young people attacked with knives VERY SINGLE DAY. Gertrude, thinking her son is approaching victory, sort of like Mo Farah or Jessica Ennis but not in an ethnic way, accidentally drinks from the poisoned cup. Seeing his mother die, Crackers Hamlet adds to his probably GTA V-inspired death count and stabs Claudius.

Hamlet drinks what is left in the cup (not even enough for a Geordie ladette to land herself in A&E from) and dies. Horatio is the only person left standing and laments “Now cracks a noble heart. Good night, sweet prince, And flights of Tory ministers sing thee to thy rest!”

Of Mice and Men (as told by the Daily Mail)

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Two workers, George and Lennie, have done the right thing and got on their metaphorical bikes to California so that they don’t have to sign on, like asylum seekers in your town. They have been let off a bus miles away from the farm where they are due to start good, honest work. George is a dark (but not ethnic) man with “sharp, strong features.” Lennie, his companion is a giant simpleton. The two stop in a clearing that has not been destroyed yet by high-speed rail and decide to camp for the night. As the two converse, it becomes clear that Lennie is a bit of a div, and is deeply but totally heterosexually devoted to George and dependent upon him.

George finds that Lennie, who loves petting soft things but often accidentally kills them just as other mental patients kill people, has been carrying and stroking a dead mouse in some kind of perverted rodent fantasy. George angrily throws it away, fearing that Lennie might catch cancer/bird flu/swine flu/SARS/MRSA/diabetes/Alzheimer’s from the dead animal. George complains loudly that Lennie The Loon is a burden and his life would be easier without having to care about his mental problems.

He and Lennie share a dream of buying their own piece of land, farming it, owning their own home, working hard, doing the right thing, and, much to Lennie’s simple delight, keeping rabbits. George ends the night by treating Lennie to the story he often tells him about what life will be like in such an idyllic place made possible by a strong capitalist economy and hard work..

The next day, the men turn up on time at the nearby ranch unlike the cowboy builders and Polish plumbers they aren’t. George, fearing how his morally superior wealth-creator boss will react to Looney Lennie, insists that he’ll do all the talking. He scandalously lies, explaining that they look for work instead of queuing at the dole office together because they are cousins and that a horse kicked Lennie in the head when he was a child. They are hired in a scene that would not be possible in today’s Britain because of crippling Euro red-tape.

They meet Candy (not of the arm kind, incidentally featured in a double spread inside) who is an old handyman with a missing hand (more like a handlessman!) and an ancient dog; and Curley, the boss’s traditional, disciplinarian son. Curley has done the right thing and got married, unlike most of today’s British youth who would rather binge drink and take party drugs. Curley is rightly possessive of his flirtatious wife who struts her stuff around the farm in elegantly revealing clothes.

Once George and Lennie are alone in the bunkhouse, with George taking a risk being on his own with such a dangerous mental patient, Curley’s wife appears and flaunts her voluptuous curves. Dead-eyed Lennie dimly thinks she is “purty,” but George, sensing the inherent evil in womankind, warns Lennie to stay away from her.

Soon, the ranch-hands return from the fields for a lunch of both carcinogenic and cancer-preventing food, and George and Lennie meet Slim, so called for his Paltrow-inspired figure, the skilled mule driver who wields great authority on the ranch. Slim comments on the rarity of friendship like that between George and Loopy Lennie, which is even rarer in today’s Broken Britain of single mums and rioting gangs. Carlson, another casual labourer on an attractive zero-hours contract, suggests that since Slim’s dog has just had ADORABLE puppies, they should offer to sell one to Candy for a profit and shoot Candy’s old, good-for-nothing dog with a shotgun that every responsible adult should carry to ward off hordes of Romanian pickpockets.

The next day, George reveals to Slim that (shock!) he and Lopsided Lennie are not cousins, but have been totally heterosexual friends since childhood. He tells how Lennie has often gotten them into trouble with his mental antics. For instance, they were forced to flee their last job because the dangerous oaf tried to pervertedly touch a woman’s dress and was accused of ‘rape’. Slim agrees to sell Lennie one of his puppies, and Carlson continues to badger Candy to euthanise his old dog like Eurocrats want to euthanise your Grandma. When Slim agrees with Carlson, saying that death would preferable to welfare, Candy gives in. Carlson promises to do the job painlessly, like a coalition government cutting social security spending.

Candy snoops on George and Crazy Lennie discussing their plans to fulfill man’s natural land-owning destiny, and all thanks to his completely legitimate espionage he offers his life’s savings if they will let him live there too. The three make a pact to let no one else know of their plan.

Slim goes to the barn to do some good old-fashioned work, and Curley, who is maniacally searching for his lusty wife, heads to the barn to brawl with Slim like a rapper thumping a photographer outside a nightclub (pictures p.3-6). Slim returns to the bunkhouse, bitching about Curley. Curley, searching for a suitably vulnerable target for his anger, finds Lennie and picks a fight with him. In gruesome scenes (pictures p.7-12) Mad Lennie crushes Curley’s hand. Slim warns Curley that if he tries to get George and Lennie fired in a quick, business-friendly way, he will be humiliated like Nick Clegg.

The next night, most of the men go to the local hooker house/sex dungeon. Lennie is left with Crooks, the ethnic-minority stable-hand, and Candy. Curley’s wife shamelessly flirts with them, wearing a skimpy Dolce & Gabbana black dress with PLENTY of cleavage, and refuses to leave until the brave, strong men come home because she’s a helpless, weak woman. She notices the cuts on Lennie’s face (that would have got infected in a failing NHS hospital run by pen-pushing Trotskyists) and suspects that he, and not a piece of machinery as Curley claimed, is responsible for hurting her husband. This thought amuses her wicked femininity.

The next day, Spazzy Lennie accidentally kills his puppy in the barn in YET ANOTHER display of why your kids are not safe around the mentally ill. Curley’s wife, dressed in an effortlessly fashionable outfit, enters and seductively consoles him. She admits that life with Curley is a disappointment because he’s too much of a real man, and wishes that she had followed her heinous dream of becoming a leftie liberal movie star. Simple Lennie rants and raves about how he loves petting soft things, and she pretty-much-asks-for-it and offers to let him feel her hair. When he grabs too tightly with all his dumb strength, she screams. In his dotty attempt to silence her, he breaks her neck like a Bulgarian would break your child’s neck if you gave them the chance.

Crazy Killer Lennie flees to a pool of the River that George had cunningly designated as a meeting place should either of them – but more likely the mad one – get into trouble. As the men back at the ranch discover what has happened and gather together a decent commonsense lynch party, George joins Wacked-Out Lennie. Much to Lennie’s surprise, George is not angry at him for doing “a bad thing.” George begins to tell Lennie the story of the farm they will have together thanks to low property taxes. As he describes the rabbits that Lennie will tend, the sound of the righteous, God-sent lynch party grows louder. Employing common sense characteristic of a conservative, George shoots his friend in the back of the head.

When the magnificent Crazy Hunters arrive, George lets them believe that Twisted Lennie had the gun, and George heroically wrestled it away from him and shot him. So the moral of the story is that the mentally handicapped are dangerous and should be rooted out of society and shamed into isolation. That is this paper’s opinion and we refuse to apologise for it.

Great Expectations (as told by the Daily Mail)

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Pip, a young orphan who scrounges off his sister and her benefit-cheating husband in their council house of Kent, trespasses in a cemetery one evening to look at his layabout parents’ tombstones. An escaped convict, possibly on drugs and with a murky history of sex offending, springs up from behind a tombstone, grabs Pip – who has been abandoned by do-good social workers – and orders him to bring him the two foods that won’t give him cancer and an EU-approved file for his leg irons. Pip obeys, as children should, but the fearsome dark-skinned convict is soon captured anyway by hardworking coppers. The convict perpetrates a gross miscarriage of justice by claiming to have stolen the items himself, reminiscent of the sordid hypocrisy of Chris Huhne.

One day Pip is taken by his Uncle Pumblechook to play at the £4.2m 16-bedroom-nine-bathroom-10-acre-grounds-underground-library-and-moat Satis House, the fully-occupied home of the wealthy dowager Miss Havisham. She is bloody bonkers: she wears an old wedding dress everywhere in the hope that she may someday benefit from the Conservatives’ Marriage Tax Allowance, and she keeps all the clocks in her house stopped at the same time, possibly in tribute to the moment Princess Diana died under mysterious circumstances.

During Pip’s visit, he meets curvacious Estella, 10, who plays hard to get. Nevertheless, he falls in love with her and dreams of working hard, doing the right thing, voting Tory, and becoming a wealthy gentleman so that he might be worthy of her – or, indeed, anyone. He even hopes that Miss Havisham intends to make him a gentleman and marry him to Estella so that he might benefit to the tune of £3.75 per week. His hopes are scandalously snubbed like Labour snubbed decent middle-class families when, after months of regular visits to Satis House, Miss Havisham decides to keep him in his proper place and help him perfect his Bob the Builder impression as a common labourer in his family’s small business.

With Miss Havisham’s generous mentoring, Pip starts an unpaid internship to his brother-in-law, Joe, who is the cash-in-hand tax-dodging village blacksmith. Pip works in the forge unhappily, his work hindered by EU health and safety rules, while he struggles to better his education. One night, after an altercation with the dangerous job-stealing, welfare-grabbing Romanian labourer Orlick, Pip’s sister, known as Mrs. Joe, is viciously attacked and becomes a complete vegetable. From her signals, Pip suspects that Orlick was responsible for the attack and gets the courageous Home Secretary Theresa May to boot him out of the country.

One day a portly, pin-striped lawyer named Jaggers (no relation to leggy Jade Jagger who is pictured anyway) appears with SHOCKING news: a secret, angelic benefactor – most likely in the offshore investment business – has given Pip a large fortune, and Pip must come to one of the few areas of London not yet infested with illegals and Muslimists immediately to begin his education as a proper gent like that one off of Made In Chelsea. Pip is bumbfounde, as should be expected of one of lower-class breeding, and stupidly assumes that his previous ideas above his station have come true—that batty Miss Havisham is his secret benefactor and that the wrinkled old woman, 43, intends for him to marry the now-voluptuous Estella, 14.

In London, Pip establishes a purely heterosexual friendship with a young gentleman named Herbert Pocket and Jaggers’s law clerk, Wemmick. He expresses commonsense disdain for his former working-class friends and benefit cheat family, especially ‘crippled’ Joe, but he continues to pine after Estella like Paul Dacre pines after Maggie Thatcher. He furthers his education by studying at an outstanding free school with the tutor Matthew Pocket, Herbert’s father and an ardent follower of Michael Gove. Herbert himself helps Pip learn how to act like a gentleman, showing him the right way to propel oneself to the top of the sidebar of shame.

When Pip turns twenty-one and begins to receive an income from his fortune, he secretly helps Herbert buy his way into the business he has chosen for himself. But for now, Herbert and Pip lead a raucous, party-hard life in London, enjoying themselves with various Kardashian sisters and running up debts.

Orlick makes a scandalous return to Pip’s life, employed as Miss Havisham’s Downton Abbey-esque butler having sneaked back into the country under the noses of sleeping border guards. However, he is promptly – no thanks to Brussels red tape – fired by Jaggers after Pip reveals Orlick’s shameful history of environmentalism, gay-rights activism, and also violence. Pip’s sister dies from a new deadly combination of MRSA and Swine Flu – the true legacy of the last Labour government – and he goes home for the funeral, feeling tremendous grief, remorse, and raw anger towards the David Brent-like NHS managers.

Several years go by, until one night a figure from Pip’s traumatic poverty-stricken and welfare-dependent childhood barges into his room—the convict, Magwitch. Before Pip can bludgeon him to death, which he would be justified in doing in this paper’s opinion, Magwitch stuns Pip by announcing that he, not Miss Havisham, not prudent offshore holdings, and not Great Lady Thatcher, is the source of Pip’s wealth. He tells Pip that his icy criminal heart was so thawed moved by Pip’s boyhood kindness that he decided to pay him back – monetarily, of course – and so dedicated his life to capitalism and wealth-creating, making a fortune in the Great British colony of Australia by pulling himself up by his bootstraps, getting on his bike, and not slacking or being a scrounger.

Pip is appalled – and not just by the presence of a commoner in his immediate vicinity – but he feels morally bound as a good Christian to help Magwitch escape London, as the convict is pursued both by the hardworking police and by Compeyson, his possibly-ethnic former partner in crime. A complicated mystery begins to fall into place when Pip discovers that Compeyson was the man who scandalously dumped Miss Havisham and that over-the-hill Estella, 23, is Magwitch’s illegitimate daughter. Man-hating Miss Havisham has raised her to break men’s hearts just like [insert female ‘celebrity’] broke [insert male ‘celebrity’]’s heart, as an uppity feminist campaign of revenge on men. Pip was merely a boy for the effortlessly sexy young Estella, 10, to practice on.

As the weeks pass, in moments of moral weakness Pip sees the good in the unchristian ex-con Magwitch and begins to care for him out of some misplaced sense of liberal guilt. Estella marries an upstanding upper-class young man named Bentley Drummle. Pip makes a visit to Satis House, where Miss Havisham begs his forgiveness for the way she has treated him in the past, and he forgives her in yet another display of his new Guardianista-bleeding-heart tendency.

Later that day, when she bends over the fireplace and exposes her thighs to our photographers in the bushes outside, her Middleton-inspired clothing catches fire and she goes up in flames. She survives thanks to quality private healthcare but becomes a bit of a spastic, contrary to what the PC-brigade might think. In her final days, she continues to repent for her feminist misdeeds and to plead for Pip’s forgiveness like a good English Christian.

The time comes for Pip and his friends to smuggle Magwitch out of London, just like an asylum seeker smuggled into your back garden. Just before the audacious escape attempt, Pip is called to a shadowy meeting in the marshes, where he encounters the vengeful, evil, foreign Orlick. The Romanian is on the verge of killing Pip – as Romanian’s can do these days thanks to EU ‘human rights’ – when Herbert arrives with a group of masculine friends and saves Pip’s life.

Pip and Herbert hurry back to help Magwitch escape from under the noses of incompetent council officials. They try to sneak Magwitch down the river on a Jubilee-themed boat, but they are discovered by our boys in blue, who Compeyson tipped off. Magwitch and Compeyson fight in the river, as the lower orders do, and Compeyson is drowned. Magwitch is sentenced to death in an example of common sense, and Pip’s fortune is stolen by Marxist civil servants. Magwitch feels that his sentence is God’s forgiveness and dies at peace.

Pip falls ill; Joe comes to London to care for him because the A&Es are full of single mums and darkies, and they are reconciled. Joe gives him the news from home: Orlick is now in jail where all Eastern Europeans belong; Miss Havisham has died; and Joe has learned how to read and write at the local academy.

Pip decides to go abroad with Herbert to create wealth as an entrepreneur in the mercantile trade. Returning many years later, he encounters ancient Estella, 37, in the ruined garden at Satis House. Drummle, her husband, treated her as badly as Charles Saatchi treated Nigella, but he is now as dead as the Lib Dems’ election hopes. Pip finds that Estella’s frigidity and bitchiness have been replaced by a sad kindness which she can use as evidence of ‘depression’ on her welfare claim, and the two leave the garden hand in hand, Pip believing that they will never part again (unlike, God willing, the coalition government).